What
is ‘lowering the mood’? When and how is it wrong to discuss serious issues?
There is an attitude out there that supposes it to be bad to talk about
unpleasant things: an unreasonable assault on the good vibes of one’s
companions. I find this to be a very prevalent manifestation of toxic
positivity.
I do not understand the prevalence of this urge only to hear nice things, just as I do not understand the modern love of awkward situations and embarrassment in films and television. It hurts to watch a protagonist ruin a situation so stupidly; to see misunderstandings occurring and be unable to step in to resolve them. I feel for others, far more than the general population seems to… and yet apparently even hearing someone discuss serious or sad things is moving enough for all those people to be overwhelmed by their emotions.
I suspect that what people really mean is that the mood-lowering subject is one that causes them personal pain because it reminds them that they have been hypocritical, inattentive or wrong in some other way. They are reminded of their own personal guilt, and people will run a long way to avoid questioning their own identity or facing up to their own guilt. I know it is painful. But running doesn’t make it better.
However, let’s trust the implication of the statement: that someone cares so much that hearing about a sad subject uncontrollably makes them feel that much sadder. How would a sane person (and I have only myself to judge by) demonstrate that he cares? If I cared about someone’s suffering, would I leave it unaddressed and insist that it was more important to avoid my own sadness at their plight than to help alleviate that plight itself? How grossly selfish and manipulative to put my own 2nd-hand feelings above the first-hand situation triggering them!
It is a common technique of abuse. When I express a like or dislike, the abuser will ignore my feelings and express pain at being questioned or disagreed with; pain that I am supposed to cater to, or nurse away. When the abuser complains about even quite reasonable behaviour, it’s merely an expression of taste, no matter how catty, intolerant or dramatic the complaint is.
The thing to remember is that your own feelings or understanding of the connection do not matter: what matters is whether the other person feels low, and the other person feels no reciprocal obligation to you. You must exert self-control to not talk about anything the other person does not want to, but they have no need for self-control when it comes to addressing deeper and sadder topics or avoiding dismissing your concerns.
I personally feel privileged to be so close to a friend that we talk about important subjects, and invested in helping; it is rewarding to do good, especially for my friends. What is the purpose of spending time with friends? Is it because they are tools for hedonism, drugs which one takes for the consistent dopamine hit of jokes and light-heartedness, and if they fail to provide that one criticizes as a bad batch? Or is it for the contentment and joy of human connection, mutual support in hardship and self-improvement, including, at times, sharing joyful experiences, humour and high spirits?
There are some social conventions about what to talk about when. Your local book club, for example, might expect most of the conversation to relate to the book. Someone’s marriage ceremony is an event set aside to celebrate their joy with family and friends. A deep discussion of mental illness, grief, or political misgivings is probably best conducted on the sidelines without being broached suddenly. However, a topic out of place can be criticized more directly: “that’s not the book club topic this week”. A generic comment about lowering the mood is, in my experience, reserved only for situations where the topic is perfectly reasonable but the hearer would simply prefer not to engage. So next time someone seriously mentions ‘lowering the mood’, remember that it’s an implicit criticism of you for believing you were with a decent human being.
