housemate troubles 5 (summary)

I was cooking at lunch-time, or beginning to cook. I had chopped the onions and put them in the microwave, as I do. I put them on for 12 minutes and went upstairs to finish my online lecture for 15 minutes which I stopped a couple of times but only for a few seconds to think about something or write something down and before I was done I was summoned downstairs because I had left the onion in the microwave.
She wasn't even cooking: she was watching a film in the sitting room. Apparently the fan on the microwave was loud and she was worried I was mistreating the machine. It has indeed had some odd moments, but not from the fan. If it can't cook properly, we need to replace it, not avoid cooking the way we want. Anyway, I took the onion out and went back to finish my lecture and a couple of minutes later she came upstairs to tell me off for being grumpy.
I was not having that, so I pointed out that I had merely been leaving them to cook whilst I finished my lecture. She then moved on to talking about emptying the bin yesterday.
I had found it full when she was washing up, so I had pulled the bin out of its alcove and was holding the lid open and taking the edges of the bag out from where they'd been tucked when she piped up "it's your turn to take the bin out. I've taken it out for the last three times."
In the right tone and context, that would be a slightly sharp way of pointing out that I was due to do it next time too, only before this week I've been away for 11 days and it was not the right tone. It was her usual unfriendly voice
Today she said "I had to tell you to take the rubbish out" and said I was making it up when I denied it. I remember the details well because as I was starting the chore I was thinking 'this is the first time it's been full since I've been back and will show her that I do chores when I see the need' (this having been a sore point for her before). I was rather angry when she piped up, because I don't believe the 3-times claim, and because I've been away. I emptied the bin a couple of days before leaving.
Apparently I just don't care, I'm dishonest and a nasty person who's impossible to get on with.
I admit that I am an untidy person, in that I have absolutely no compulsion to put things away for no reason, I accept a certain amount of things lying around and I don't mind cleaning once a month. But in this house I've been beyond that. I have left the ironing board and iron out twice, but since this house currently has two rooms that are almost entirely unused I don't see the point in putting it away only to get it out again. The sitting room is occasionally used by my housemate to sit in and watch films or programmes on her computer, but that does not take up so much space that the ironing board needs to be taken from the corner and put in the cupboard.
When ironing I did indeed leave fluff out that I'd taken from a pocket of my washing (after leaving paper in something before washing). That left a tiny pile of paper pieces and a washed plastic wrapper on the unused table by the ironing board.
I have left clothes out on the clothes horse for longer than they needed, mostly also when I've been away (giving her space and freedom to have the place to herself). Since I wasn't around to pick them up, that could have been annoying for a housemate, and I've felt guilty the two or three times I've done that. On the other hand, my clothes do need washing and drying, houses only have one machine, and in every house I've shared there have been times when people's washing schedules have overlapped, to the frustration of one person. It's part of life, not a reasonable cause for personal grievance. But I might be wrong on that. Maybe I've missed the fact that everyone else sharing houses works around each other by having a set routine, and my housemates so far have simply been forbearing. Given how vocal my housemate is about minor offences, I'd think that if this were the case I'd have been informed of her washday. As it is, I've avoided washing clothes when I have to leave them for long. I've even mentioned that I've done washing at certain times to avoid causing problems.
What else have I actually done (rather than been hassled over)? Well, so far I think it's probable that she has taken the rubbish out more times than I have. Maybe as part of my messiness I'm happy to scrunch things down before taking the rubbish out, and she isn't, meaning that we hit her threshold first. I find it a waste of bin bags (and I have indeed bought the only new supply we've needed since being here) and a bit silly.
I did leave my hair in the plug hole when I first got here. As I've said before, I've never encountered a plug sieve before, and was surprised to be told off for not emptying something I didn't even realise existed. A few days ago I counted how many hairs got stuck in it, and there were 16, none of which was longer than about an inch. I have also forgotten to empty it twice or so since then, which is, I think, quite good for learning to use something new. Even people doing work often make more mistakes than that when learning a new routine, and this is part of my (supposedly) relaxing evenings. Once I forgot, but emptied it before being pounced on, which given her tendency, I assume means that she didn't notice. I was surprised, because she had a go at me for leaving hair in the plug sieve after she went to the loo once (and the plug is not readily visible from there or the handbasin). I deduced some level of checking up on me.
I recently was asked to clean the sink after I shave. And then a minute later asked whether I was going to wipe the sink. I had not just shaved, but I got up to inspect the sink and found that the bowl was clean, but that in the dust at the back of the sink there were indeed a few (i.e less than 10) identifiable tiny pieces of hair from shaving. If you can deal with dust, which is pieces of dead hair and skin, amongst other things, I'd have thought that pieces of hair wouldn't be a problem, but I wiped it down anyway. I'll also point out here that she has decided on an arrangement whereby I clean the kitchen and the downstairs loo (which she never uses), and she cleans the bathroom. If dust is a problem for her (and behind the sink it isn't for me) then it's her cleaning that's the problem.
Shall we talk about cleaning for a moment? When I arrived I was careful to clean up after myself a lot in the kitchen. I wiped surfaces down after meals, did my washing up and cleaned the hob. I used a saucepan for storage once, which she didn't like, partly because she doesn't have many, which is fair, and partly because she thought it disgusting to leave food out. I was eating it (having offered her some when I made it), and food takes much longer to go mouldy, but it's true that the pan might have been needed. On the other hand, it was the big cauldron-like one, which she has used only very rarely.
However, I have lapsed into more lifelike ways in the kitchen because my housemate is happy to leave lots of washing up out, undone, to leave the hob uncleaned and the surfaces unwiped. I was told off for leaving bits in the draining sink once, but she has now done that a number of times. I was told off (as mentioned) for using a saucepan too much, and perhaps rightly so, only she happily leaves plates and bowls out after use. I've done quite a lot of her washing up, in the hopes of creating some goodwill. If it did, then it was not enough to outweigh my crimes.
There is an enormous collection of plastic tupperware, mostly from takeaways. I used one such supposedly disposable box for some chicken legs I had left over from a large pack and froze them. I've been told off for that, too: she's going to have to avoid using that one except for meat. Well, I'd recommend not using the chopping boards, knives or surfaces ever again then, because if washing-up doesn't work then they're all contaminated. Added to which there's a huge supply and they're disposable.
I bought loo roll just after moving in. We got through it. She bought some more. I got back from being away and that day she said "We're almost out of toilet paper." That could have been a friendly warning to someone who'd been away, but in context, I suspect it was more an unfriendly hint that I ought to buy the next batch. I had already planned to pop out to buy general supplies, including kitchen and loo roll, the next day, and told her so. I suppose that in her mind she notched that up as 'Him lying to cover himself. He had to be told to do his share.'
Returning to the kitchen, it was stocked only with her things. I have been using her saucepans (carefully, and would have done even without hectoring about taking care) and until I was outright told not to, her plates. I have bought my own plate, and use it for everything, even eating ice cream and puddings (it has decent sides). We had a discussion about this in which I explained that I don't really have any kitchen things, because every house I've been in (that had a kitchen) had a kitchen with utensils in it. She seemed to accept that as a reason, but I suspect that she didn't really, and objects to sharing. Since the saucepan incident when I first moved in I've been very careful to try not to use the saucepans when she is cooking, or about to. I have been having money troubles (as many people do when first moving from student life to work), and have not been able to afford many things, including new kitchenware. She knows I've had money troubles, because I told her that I couldn't see my mother (the fortnight before she died) because my card was rejected and I couldn't buy train tickets.
Nonetheless, I have bought a plate, a large box for the batches of food I cook up and some new knives, since I told her that hers were blunt.
I've cleaned up after myself after using the loos, including wiping them down after use, since she checks under the seat for splashes from when it was up. I'm not sure that they need it, but it's best to have deniability.
I've tried talking genially, sometimes asking how her day was, greeting her, leaving my door open for conversation, and I've been interested in what she has to say, as I am generally with people. Apart from the occasional approach, I've had taciturn responses and a lot of shut door. I've also been told off for saying 'good evening', rather than hello. I've also had my own door shut when I was playing a video of some sort loudly, even though I turned it down. I had been watching Youtube videos, and this one had a louder noise level than others. I turned it down as soon as I heard her start to speak, because I realised that it was loud, and by the time I turned around I saw my door shut. People often have noise issues with each other, but I've had friendlier requests from people disturbed for longer and in the middle of the night (when I had speakers instead of headphones once, and a few times when I was junior dean and students were making noise).
I've also been accused of more things than I have done: of using her ketchup (which I could easily deny, since I happened to have bought low salt and low sugar ketchup, and had been sure to use it), and of leaving a strange stain on the loo seat. I hadn't used the loo that day, and hadn't used it seat-down for over a month (I use the one I clean). I doubt she believed me though: she probably put it down as more lies. She certainly went to check on the ketchup story, and didn't say another word about it, so perhaps she actually believed me. She does think that I do things deliberately to annoy, so she probably notched it up as a bad thing anyway.
I'm an easy-going person, but this has got to me. I've put up with people talking in the house late at night, and I've certainly put up with noise during waking hours. I've dealt with other people using drying space I'd like to use, and I've lived in houses with barely a spare surface from others' junk. I've showered whilst looking at mildewed walls and cooked after having to wash the dishes first. Despite all those things, this is easily the worst. Am I simply accustomed to the relative squalor of student life? Am I being put apon, or are my living habits, as described above, so unusual as to be offensive? Which ones are worst?
I have two very important exams coming up, and she's told me that I have to move out, which I assume will be after the exams. I don't have time for flat-hunting or moving before then. I'm not sure that she cares though. Although she's the one who says that I don't care, since she knows that I've had my mother die and have exams coming up, I'd say that the lack of friendliness or sympathy I've had from her shows who's more likely to be the psychopath.

housemate troubles 4

I was asked yesterday whether I had poured anything down the loo. I was shown a faint grey mark on the seat.
I am pleased to say that I hadn't even used that loo recently, having been away for a week. When I do, the seat it always up. So much for paranoid suspicions. Having been unable to fault me on this one, my housemate contented herself with asking me to wipe the sink when I shave in that bathroom. I do wash the hair out of the bowl when I empty my razor, but I admit that some hairs don't drop into the bowl (I use an electric shaver which does not collect all the cut hair). I'm an amenable person, so I agreed, only to be accosted through my door a few minutes later by an angry voice asking if I was going to wipe the sink.
Well, yes, when I shave there!
I hadn't just shaved, but I assumed that some leftovers were the cause of this, so I went and had a look. The bowl was clean, but in amongst the dust and fluff that collects in the less used areas around the sink there were clearly a few tiny pieces of hair. I should have counted, but there might have been 10 identifiable pieces of hair. Yes, that might be annoying for someone, but if she doesn't care about the dust, hair-dust shouldn't matter either!
I had a shower later, and regretting not quantifying my shaving disaster, I counted the hairs that collected in the plug-sieve and which caused such anger when I first moved in. There were 16, all maybe an inch long when stretched straight. So 16 inches plus maybe 1 mm in total were the cause of fuss: about the length of two of my housemate's hairs.

Have I mentioned the muck in the sink yet? She does leave bits of junk in the sinks. She doesn't wash up very regularly (something I don't mind, but have been told off about). More annoying is the sticky muck left on the side for two days now, making me careful about making my sandwiches.

I'm also still puzzled about having to put away the iron and ironing board when I've left them up in one of the unused rooms in the house.

But perhaps I wouldn't be anywhere nearly as annoyed if she had a different approach about these things. It's not only the fussiness, but the way she says it: an accusatory, impatient, slightly angry attitude. It's "Are you going to wipe the sink?", not 'You missed some hairs on the sink last time you shaved'.

I hope it's just a cultural thing: that English people tune into delicate subtleties of politeness that other cultures don't care for or create.

housemate troubles 2

Update:
I was cooking and had left a colander of drained rice in the draining sink whilst I ate: I had cooked far too much food, in order to feed myself in future meals, and so wasn't going to be able to serve all my food out. My housemate came in after cooking her meal, which had been re-heating some food of hers.
Last time I had received a scolding for getting in the way, so this time I jumped up and moved the rice into a saucepan, it having drained fully by this point. She was unimpressed and I received an unsubtle put-down of "excuse me!" as I cleared the way for her.
Clearly I just get nagged for existing, since I can either clear the way or not clear the way and still not do it right.

I've also been told off because the downstairs loo has now got limescale and she doesn't use it 'much', and because there are cobwebs there. There are no webs, and I have seen two spiders in the house, one in each loo. She mentioned this to me late last night as I was going to bed, and asked me if I thought I'd ever clean the loo early this evening. I was out all day at work (whereas she has been off work in the last week).

I've also been told off about the door. She's paranoid about security and likes to multiple-lock the door. On going out once (there have a number of exchanges in which she's been exasperated at me) I double locked it and had to double unlock it when I returned. My housemate had been in all the time and had not used the door. I was told off for double locking the door, despite it not affecting her at all!

I am sure that I've missed a few, but this is a reasonable selection so far.

housemate troubles

Documentary evidence is key, and also helps the memory. Herewith grievances against housemate:
I wanted to go to see my mother, who is ill in hospital, but couldn't due to bank problems, so I was stuck at the house without anything specific to do. My housemate suggested that I clean the kitchen and she'd do the bathroom. I agreed, but didn't clean immediately. Later she said I should do it soon because she wanted to cook in the evening. This made sense, so I gave the kitchen a thorough clean. She was upset with me for leaving some food out for a while (in a covered pan, and not her food), which she took to be highly offensive, and we had an argument about whether it was offensive. She was also upset that she had had to ask me to remove my hair from the bathroom drain cover when I first moved in, and had had to be asked again after my second shower because I had forgotten. She had also suggested that I am the sort of person to put my wet washing over the top of her half-dry clothes on the drying rack, that I had done so already with the mattress protector (that I hadn't even touched, let alone washed and put out) and that I was a thoughtless and rude person. On her way upstairs she said that I was still sulking about being asked to clean the kitchen.

It seems that leaving food out is to other people more of a crime than I think, although none of my friends thinks it such a horrific offence. On the other counts: I shed little hair, since it's cut short, and have never had a drain cover to catch any, so forgetting a new item of routine seems hardly awful to me. Any one shower also doesn't block the drain because I shed so little, so shouldn't have affected her, and certainly not enough to make her upset immediately. I have been very tidy (except in my own room), washing up after myself, including doing much of her washing up, cleaning the surfaces and oven top after making meals as I used to as a child and generally neither getting in her way nor causing trouble. I am quiet, was friendly (am finding it harder now) and courteous. So I struggle to understand how I come across as the sort of person who'd throw wet clothes over dry. When she has visited me before she has seen me hang clothes out to dry where I don't want to if other people's clothes were on the racks I liked, even if those clothes were very dry, just to avoid interfering with other people's clothes.
I had no problem with cleaning the kitchen. I dislike chores, but it was a very fair suggestion and then a sensible reason for me to get it done soon, and I expressed no dissatisfaction with it. I got a bit annoyed with some sticky grime when cleaning, but not my housemate. If I was sulky that day (which she can't have noticed, since I was in my room all the time) it would have been because I had been stymied in my plan to see my ill mother.

Today, 2/10/11, she showed me a news story of a cousin who was run over and killed by her 4-year-old son. I was confused about some of the details of the story and she said 'try not to smile'. I don't know where that came from, but actually I find it quite offensive that she should suggest that I'm that sort of sadist, just as I'm rather offended at her suggestion I'm naturally a grossly thoughtless person. I go out of my way to ease other people's lives, from ignoring their pecadilloes and treating everyone the same to 'small' things like looking ahead when walking and actually making way for oncomers (something that Londoners should try). Her assertions about my character seem so far out as to be a joke (if they were said in a different context).

I have been away over the weekend, and left my clothes out drying. I put them away as soon as I returned, but I wonder if she found that offensive and simply hasn't said anything. I've also left the ironing board out in the (currently) spare bedroom. I wonder if that's offensive. It makes more sense to leave it out since we'll be using it that to put it away for no good reason.
Her next grievance: plastic boxes saved from take-aways are not to be used for raw meat because of the danger of food poisoning. Of course, chopping raw meat on a chopping board or using a knife is fine: washing cleans these things, but plastic boxes are immune to its powers. There are a lot of them too.
Today I have also been asked not to use her plates. There are only 3 in the house, all hers. I forgot to mention that I also destroy sponges (by cleaning the kitchen) and am useless for thinking that when she says I need to unlock somewhere to take the rubbish out I need my keys. And 'destroying sponges' is actually not squeezing one out so that it was squashed a bit when dried, but returned to normal when used again.

17/10/11: I've had a little interlude in this because my mother has died. My housemate was nice enough for a little while, but has been upset again.
This time I'd been cooking and had cleared the draining board by the sink of her lunch-time washing up in order to avoid splashing stuff when I drained my rice. I poured the rice into the colander and placed the pot on the draining board before serving myself and eating. I knew I'd need to wash up before anyone else could cook, and would certainly be the next person to wash. My housemate came in and complained that I must take some sort of perverse delight in doing what she doesn't because I'd left a dirty pan on the draining board, which ought only to have clean items.
Yet again it's a silly complaint. There were no clean things there to be contaminated, it wasn't in her way and she didn't need to use it. I washed everything up as soon as I'd eaten, leaving no mess behind.